If you have the career, the partner, the home, but still don’t feel happy - as though something’s missing in your life - you’re not alone.
There’s a difference between having purpose and meaning, and feeling joy in the moment.
However even when you realize this, knowing how to find that joy can be tricky.
In this podcast episode of Midlife Spotlight, we discuss one strategy for finding joy in the present by revisiting favorite activities from childhood - specifically by asking two questions:
What’s something that I enjoyed in my childhood that I no longer do?
How can I bring that back into my life?
We really encourage you to reflect on activities that you enjoyed as a child and consider how to reintroduce those experiences into your present life. Prioritizing happiness is not selfish but essential for your overall wellbeing and fulfillment.
We talked about the health benefits of focusing on happiness: here’s the link I referred to.
We also discussed the idea of being selfish - check out Episode 1 where we unpack this more.
If you liked these two questions and want more to help you find direction, download Kate’s 10 "Midlife map" questions.
Disclaimer: This podcast, along with associated websites and social media materials, are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are that of Sara Garska and Kate Campion, and that of our guests, respectively. It is for informational purposes only. Please consult your healthcare professional for medical questions.
If you have the career, the partner, the home, but still don’t feel happy - as though something’s missing in your life - you’re not alone.
There’s a difference between having purpose and meaning, and feeling joy in the moment.
However even when you realize this, knowing how to find that joy can be tricky.
In this podcast episode of Midlife Spotlight, we discuss one strategy for finding joy in the present by revisiting favorite activities from childhood - specifically by asking two questions:
What’s something that I enjoyed in my childhood that I no longer do?
How can I bring that back into my life?
We really encourage you to reflect on activities that you enjoyed as a child and consider how to reintroduce those experiences into your present life. Prioritizing happiness is not selfish but essential for your overall wellbeing and fulfillment.
We talked about the health benefits of focusing on happiness: here’s the link I referred to.
We also discussed the idea of being selfish - check out Episode 1 where we unpack this more.
If you liked these two questions and want more to help you find direction, download Kate’s 10 "Midlife map" questions.
Disclaimer: This podcast, along with associated websites and social media materials, are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The views expressed are that of Sara Garska and Kate Campion, and that of our guests, respectively. It is for informational purposes only. Please consult your healthcare professional for medical questions.
Kate: Welcome to the Midlife Spotlight podcast. I’m Kate Campion -
Sara: and I’m Sara Garska -
Kate: and we’re certified life coaches obsessed with helping you find joy in this next act of your life. Whether it’s reviving your midlife marriage, losing weight, or scratching that “what next” itch, we’re here to share our experience and expertise with you.
This podcast is a weekly dose of YOU time, where you get the tools and tricks to improve your health and happiness. Talking to you is so much fun, so thanks for tuning in. Let’s get started.
Kate: Hello and welcome to Midlife Spotlight, the show that helps you enjoy your second act. I'm Kate Campion.
Sara: And I'm Sara Garska.
Kate: And in today's episode, we are going to be talking about how going back in time can help you find joy in the present. We'll be looking at two different types of wellbeing, the question of midlife unhappiness, some things that you can ask yourself in order to bring the happiness back and create a sense of excitement and anticipation in your life.
Okay, so Sarah, what got me thinking about this episode was something that happened to me back in, I think it was about August or September of 2020, and most of us can remember that 2020 wasn't the most fun year on record, and I'd actually taken the year off work. Um, I was an English teacher, an Assistant Principal of a high school at the time, and I was really unhappy in my job.
Um, and I really didn't know, like what was next for me. I was hoping that I could make my blog. Um, and, and for listeners, uh, my blog is actually how Sarah and I first met. I run a relationships website and I was really hoping that I was going to make an income from that that would be enough that I wouldn't have to go back to my job.
And in New Zealand, the school year starts in January and like I said, it was about August or September and it was becoming very clear to me that actually I was not going to make that living from my blog that I'd hoped, and I was going to have to go back to teaching.
And so one of the reasons, or one of the things I decided to do to make that slightly more palatable, um, was to do some further study in positive psychology. And positive psychology is really interesting because it's all about basically how we can, um, enhance our wellbeing, which has also been a really hot topic in the last few years. And I was sitting there doing my study and I was learning about these two different kinds of happiness or these two different kinds of wellbeing.
And one of them I sort of connected with straight away, and that was this sort of, uh, it's called eudaimonic. Uh, I hope I'm saying that right. And that's kind of the wellbeing that comes from having a real sense of purpose and a real sense of meaning in your life. And I knew that I really had that, you know, I had these goals that I was working towards and so on.
So I felt like I could tick that one off the box pretty well. But when it came to the other kind, the, what's called hedonic wellbeing, um, I suddenly realized that I didn't have that at all. So that hedonic wellbeing, that is that idea that, you know, about feeling good in the moment, not feeling bad, actually just feeling like life is pretty good and that was completely missing from my life.
And so that sort of idea about making more time in my life for actually being happy was something I realized that was really missing. But I didn't actually know how I was going to go about adding that happiness in. And that's something that you've seen in your practice isn’t it?
Sara: Absolutely. And it really surprised me when I started coaching a few years ago, was how deeply unhappy women were.
And these are women that have achieved everything they wanted and I found it so interesting because they had great careers. They had the, the husband or the partner, they had done the things, and then there was always this something missing.
So the little background to mine is I work with women to help them lose weight without dieting.
And so these women were convinced, like almost everyone that I've worked with, was convinced that happiness was at a different weight.
Kate: Mm.
Sara: And then in the work, it was like, it's not, it's just there was just something missing in their life.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And they just could not pinpoint what it was.
Kate: Yeah. Yeah. And I think, um, this is something that is quite unique to our generation, really, right?
Sara: Yeah. I don't know that - we may be the first generation that actually expected to be happy.
Kate: Hmm.
Sara: You know, I don't think my grandmothers had that same expectation.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Life was just too busy. And now, and I think the other thing is just culturally, we are fed commercial after commercial, telling us we're supposed to be happy.t
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: And, and when we're not, we also think something's wrong.
Kate: Hmm mm. Totally.
Sara: And so, that's where people start looking for, you know, overeating, over drinking, overshopping, to bring some happiness in.
Kate: Yeah, that's, that's exactly right. And I do think that it's something, you know, we've also been told though, as we've grown up, that to focus on yourself and to do those activities that make you feel good, are in some way selfish, you know, like, um, it's indulgent or, you know, you should be doing something more productive with your time. You know, who are you to kind of spend that energy and so on, on yourself. And it's interesting because, um, you know, you and I have both got children who are millennials and um, Gen Zs, and I think they have quite a different attitude towards happiness. Like they're much more comfortable prioritizing their self-care, prioritizing their wellbeing.
But for people like you and me, it's, it's much more of an art to work out what are the things that we can do that will make us feel better in the moment. That aren't those things that you talked about that aren't really good strategies. Like the overeating, the overshopping, the over drinking, you know, all that kind of stuff.
Sara: So true. And the other thing is like, you really hit on that with thinking it's selfish to do things that you wanna do.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Like that is so huge. That's - trying to convince a woman that it's okay to read a book on a weekday.
Kate: Yes.
Sara: You would think I was saying go out and rob a bank.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Like for, and that is not like a one-off, that particular example. It's like they feel like - women feel like they have to earn the right to do those things they enjoy.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: And that time never comes.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: It's just, there's always another chore to do. There's always another person to take care of. There's more work to do. And so the things they enjoy just get put off, put off, put off/
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And then it's like, Life isn't much fun at some point.
Kate: Exactly. And you know, we are actually talking about that idea of being selfish, uh, in another episode of the podcast, which I'll link to in the show notes to unpack that a little bit more, but to just hook onto that idea that it isn't selfish to take care of, of, of yourself. It isn't selfish to look after your happiness and go back to that question that I experienced when I was looking at this was like, okay, if I am going to focus on it, what am I going to do? Um, because what I've realized in my own life is that when you're faced with a, a blank slate, you know, sometimes it can be really difficult to know what is the next step to take.You know, it's, it's almost like too much possibility of choice is almost as bad as not having any choice.
Sara: Yeah. It's so funny you said that. And because I had a client today, and I don't think she'll mind me sharing this, but we were talking about that idea of what next, what's next, what to do. And that was the word she used to describe it. She's like, it is a blank slate.
Kate: Wow.
Sara: I, I can't see anything.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And so that's very, a very accurate, um, description.
Kate: Yeah. Well, one of the things you can do when you've got that sort of blank slate freezing moment is to actually, instead of like trying to come up with ideas, is actually respond to different ideas.
Instead, like to think about various questions that you can ask yourself that will, that will bring you some happiness. And a question that I've found really, really successful that I'd like to, um, share with you, first of all, my response to and then hear what you have to say about it, is looking at what I used to do as a child that I no longer do that did bring me happiness.
And funnily enough, the first thing that you mentioned before, um, and the first thing that I came up with was reading because I was. Such an avid reader as a kid. My mom tells me stories about how she would put me in, even in, in the cot, uh, I dunno if cot’s the American, American term, but the, the bed where the baby would sleep, I would be in there with my books.
Um, I used to walk up to take the bus to school and I'd even carry a book with me and read. Even the year I was 14, I made a goal that I was going to read a book for every day of the year, which I, which I succeeded. And so reading for me was such an important part of my life. Uh, it taught me so much about the world, um, about relationships, about travel, and it was just such a source of joy.
And then I think like many women, As we become older, that is one of the first things that goes, you know, that, um, setting aside time for yourself to actually enjoy a book. And for me, I still read every night. Um, it's still something that's, that's really important. I have the book on my bedside table, but when I had this thought about I need to bring this happiness back, I started thinking about, well, how can I actually read a bit more?
And so I'm lucky enough that I live. In this beautiful, uh, side of the harbor where you can take a ferry to work. And so I started taking my book with me and reading on that sort of 25 minute, half an hour trip on the ferry rather than just, you know, scrolling through my phone, seeing what was on Instagram, just like losing myself and all that kind of stuff.
And I also looked at other times when I could jJust like, pull out my book rather than pull out my phone. So by keeping that current book and my handbag, that was something that was, you know, um, a really easy way of bringing those books back into my life. And the other thing I did to bring back that childhood activity was actually, it started in 2020 as well, was I decided that I was going to reread every book that I owned.
So I don't know about you, Sarah, but I have spent a lot of, um, I have moved a lot of houses in, in my time and with every one of those moves I've taken boxes and boxes of books with me. And some of those books I've had, you know, I'm 49 now, so I've had for 30 years and I've never read them again. So I decided that I would reread those old books of mine, see if I still liked them, and if I didn't, I would get rid of them because that was also part of my thinking about, you know, just not being surrounded by clutter and stuff, which we'll talk about another time.
Uh, but it was really fascinating because reading those books, many of which were, uh, written in the eighties or the nineties, was just this, it was, it was, it was like going back in time and it was going back to another world that I could actually connect with and, and it just felt like really good. And so reading and making the time for reading has definitely been something, um, that has had a massive improvement on my happiness level by just pulling that back in a bit more.
And the other thing I used to do a lot as a child was a lot of walking. And so we used to live, um, my, my grandparents used to own an orchard and, uh, quite a large amount of land where there would be, you know, um, different vegetables and things growing and we used to stay there a lot.
And so a lot of my childhood would be grabbing some food from what we called the shed, you know, the fruit that was in the cool store, um, packing it up and then just going for these wanders for miles. Um, you know, as a child, like I'm talking 10 years old, and of course these are back in the, the good old days of the eighties.
Um, I would, I would walk like 10, 15 kilometers, you know, from one, one place of town where my mum lived over to where my grandmother lived. And it was a real sense of exploration, um, and independence. And that's something that I really have not brought back into my life yet. But when I sat there and reflected upon those things, it was like, yeah, going for walks with a purpose, having a sense of adventure. And so the question I've been asking myself a little bit is, you know, how can I bring that back into my life?
Sara: I love that. Um, and for those listening. Kate is in New Zealand, cuz you're probably catching those references that
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Um, so that's where she is. So anyway, um, so yeah, like reading is one of those things that I've never broken up with from, I can remember the first book I read and going to the library.
Um, and um, yeah, I still read a lot, a lot, a lot. But when I look at the things that I did as a child, um, one of those, not so much walking, but bike riding, exploring.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: I love just being out in nature and I grew up in a time when. Basically we just were, our parents said bye in the morning, come back for meals.
Kate: Yep.
Sara: And so they would be, my parents would probably not like hearing all the places we explored.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: But it was so much fun. And that was one of the things that I rediscovered, um, in my fifties actually. Um, just being in the woods. And so I started hiking and getting out nature. And I just loved it. It just really lit up a part of me that, um, I was really surprised that I had just walked away from it for 30 years.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And so that was something that gives me a lot of joy.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara:All the time.
Kate: And you've mentioned as well, you used to love art when you were a kid.
Sara: You're gonna make me talk about that, aren't you?
Kate: I am, yes.
Sara: So I was the kid that was considered artistic, crafty, always making things, always coloring, always cutting things, gluing them together, all that.
And when we were talking about this topic, I was like, yeah, so an example I had, um, I was like, every, periodically I'm like, I'm gonna start doing some art again.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: And so I went to the art store. I have a great one near me, bought a bag full of stuff. It is still in the bag six months later.
Periodically I pulled it outta the closet. Like I pulled it out this weekend to show my kids like, Hey, look at this art stuff I have and I'm not using. Yes. Um, and one of the reasons I keep saying, I don't have time. I don't have time to just sit and make a mess and do something without a purpose. And, and I think that's a really common thing for women, because when we were talking about reading, it just reminded me one of the reasons that women don't do their hobbies and things is they're not productive.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: There's a real, there's a real thing around doing things that are productive, that have an outcome and you know, when I look at painting and stuff, I'm like, there's not really like, it's not gonna help my career. It's not helping my business. And so I think when I'm, people talk about time, that's part of it. It's not the right kind of time. It's not, yeah. You know, we've kind of lost that ability.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: To just do stuff because it feels good, it's pleasurable. Um, and I'm just gonna tie this back cuz we had talked a little bit about addictions and things. So when you're doing something like painting or reading or going for a walk, those are pleasurable, but they're pretty, you know, They're a kind of a steady level of pleasure.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: And they don't provide that like concentrated hit, like, you know, find an amazing dress at the store.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Or new pair of shoes.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And, and that's kind of the important thing about, I think where we're going with this is like that ple- like pleasure and happiness versus, you know, those kind of more concentrated, what I call artificial happiness things
Kate: The quick hits.
Sara: Yes. The quick hits.
Kate: The quick hits that sort of come, and then they go just as quickly, often leaving you feel worse than before.
Sara: That's what I was gonna say.
Kate:Yeah.
Sara: And they usually have a bad effect.
Kate:Yeah.
Sara: Like you're gonna feel, you're gonna look at your credit card statement and be like, oh, why didn't I do that? Or wake up the next morning and, Ugh, I don't feel good.
Kate: Stand, step on the scale and be like, why? Why did I eat that donut?
Sara: Yeah. Yeah. Had that moment this morning. Not gonna talk about that.
Kate: Yeah. But I really picked up on that when you said, you know, what is the purpose? What is the purpose of doing that? And I think what we need to be saying to ourselves is the purpose is the play, the purpose is the fun because, you know, as children we spend so much time playing and that was how we actually learned to make sense of the world and to enjoy ourselves and, and to lose ourselves, you know, in the flow.
And so what would you say to a client if they said to you, you know, if they'd gone through this process and you'd ask them what they used to do as a child and they’d said these various things and you could tell they were really excited, but then they hit you with the, I don't have time. There is no purpose.
Sara: That's a tough one. It is a tough one. I'm not kidding you. When I say my clients will schedule time for it. And then other things get in the way. Like it's such a foreign idea just to do something because it's fun. Or it's play. Um, I'm trying to think. Like it's, that's a tough one.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: You know? And eventually, like they, we have to do it the opposite way. We have to start making some time. Usually their schedules are so packed. It's, it's starting. I'm, I'm telling you, women don't even like to stop to go pee.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Or to eat.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: Like they don't take care of basic needs much less like play.
Kate: Yeah.
Sara: And so that's why like, this is, I hope everyone listening just is like, this is not bad for you. This is cuz Kate may get around to this, but this also has health outcomes for women and maybe that will, now that we're discussing it, and I'm hearing that part of it from you, maybe that will get more people on board with playing.So thank you. I don't know if you're ready to talk about that part, but I was really curious to hear more on it.
Kate: Thank you for reminding me about that. Um, because I did, you know, I love to, I love to learn. That is something that I've had from childhood that's never gone away, and I love to research different things.
And so you are a hundred percent correct. Like actually having fun and enjoying yourself in the moment with things that you find pleasurable, uh, do a lot of different things. They protect against developing illnesses. Uh, if you are, you know, feeling good more often and feeling bad less often, you're much more likely to not get colds, uh, when you actually get wounds like, um, You know, scratches, scabs, although that's probably something that's much more common when you are a child and playing….But when you have, when you feel good, you actually improve your wound healing. Um, I guess surgery actually is probably something that might be more relevant for people of our age. So if you're going in for an operation, you know, actually having a life where you feel good most of the time is going to mean that you heal better.
And of course, you know, mental health, uh, is, is linked with that as well. Like if you feel happy, you have lower levels of mental health conditions and people who have lower level health conditions feel happy. So it's, it's a bit of a chicken in the egg thing and I will put the links to that research in the show notes because, um, yeah, if we need a little bit of convincing to take care of ourselves sometimes knowing the effects that it can have in our body can be really, really useful.
Sara: Yeah, absolutely. And the other thing, and, and research also backs this up, is that what, and so when we're talking about focusing on positives, we're not talking about sweeping everything else under the rug.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: We're not talking about putting a happy face bandaid on things that are not going well.You know, it's, it's a very realistic thing, but the way I like to look at it is, And this is what research backs up is when we do look at the positive part, like when we focus on what's going right, what's going well, and we're reframing things in a positive way, we actually have more access to our higher thinking.
Kate: Hmm.
Sara: When we focus on what's going wrong, being confused, overwhelmed, we actually cut ourselves off from some of our higher, higher thinking, and, and so that's probably that where people get stuck is when you're focusing on what's going wrong, what I can't do about it, and all that.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: You're just more likely to stay there.You just don't have access to all the answers that you have. When you start looking at what's going right, what's, you know, Like having fun. You know, those kind of things actually help you think better.
Kate: Definitely. Yeah. Okay, so we've talked a little bit then about, um, why it is important to focus on your own happiness. The questions that you can ask yourself to sort of get some ideas. And we were still struggling a little bit about how to make that first step with it. And my suggestion would be with my own reading, for example, is to look at those pockets of sort of empty time. The pockets of time when you, you know, if it is something like reading or something that's a small activity, can you, instead of looking at your phone, can you pull out your book instead?
And with things like that, it's all about proximity. So if you've got your book in your handbag, And you're at the office having lunch, you are much more likely to read it than if you left your book on your bedside table. Right? So it's about having those things close to you and accessible. And I think with walking sometimes, um, even I'm an introvert, so I really, I, I hate, I hate planning things. I plan things and then I wish I'd never planned them. But sometimes planning them with other people, uh, like for tomorrow for example, we are going on a little hike with some friends of ours and so that will actually get me out doing that exploration in nature that I talked about. And you mentioned about looking at your client's schedules. What sort of suggestions would you give them to making a pocket of time available?
Sara: You know what? You, you just in your, just a couple minutes ago you said something I think that's really more powerful than most people realize is instead of looking at your phone. Because that has become the go-to in our, when we have a few moments or we have a little bit of time and I do it too, so, but that like, I was like, oh yeah, like, instead of picking up my phone and then that second part of having the stuff nearby, I'm like, I'm gonna get that stuff out and put it where I can see it instead of in the closet and, and we probably, it made me think we probably have more pockets of time than we realize.
Kate: Mm-hmm.
Sara: But we're fill- filling it with social media, which I love. No hate on that, but we're filling it with time on our phone, scrolling, looking at Facebook. And that's kind of taken the place of these simple pleasures. Because we just get that, that that hit when we're on, you know, on social media or on our phone.And so I thought that was like really a great, yeah. Great. Um, What's the word? Great tip.
Kate: A great tip, A great strategy. I think, and I'm just thinking as well, like, let's say you, you wanted to get into crafts or like knitting, you know, people, I remember my grandmother would just always have her knitting bag with her, you know, so it's not just limited to things like books, it's could be a craft activity, you crochet, hook, you knitting, uh, anything like that. If you wanted to like experiment with cooking, you could spend your time rather than scrolling through social media. You could be looking up recipes to try, you know. So I think for our listeners, if you do want to try bringing some of these activities back into your life, but you're not really sure about how you're going to do that, ydentify those pockets of time that are kind of a bit of wasted time. Those sort of fillers when you'd normally reach for your phone and see if there's something that you can bring into that. And then as you get success with that, and as you realize, you know how good it feels to actually, when I'm, um, at work and I'm going for my lunch break, and I know I'm gonna read a book that I really enjoy, I get a lot of satisfaction about knowing that that's coming. That's something to look forward to versus thinking, oh, I'm just gonna sit there and eat my lunch and, you know, see what's happening on Instagram or something like that. So,
Sara: Yeah, exactly.
Kate: Yeah. So I guess our recap for our readers would be our listeners, sorry, readers. That's, that's showing my
Sara: two bloggers.
Kate: Yeah. my, my blogging history. Um, my recap for my listeners then would be, think about the benefits that, uh, you know, be being happy and taking time for yourself has on your life and your health. Look at those activities that you enjoyed as a child that you no longer do, and think about just a small way that you can bring them back into your life now.
Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. If you loved what you heard, you can leave a review so we know to keep more of it coming. You can also visit our website at midlifespotlight.com and learn a little bit more about us. We love connecting with you and can't wait to see you next week.